I sit on the porch for hours simply staring. The light there does funny things now. It beads into and out of sight as if I were looking out under water. I made a deal with the light though, as long as it doesn't come to close to me, I won't tell anyone about it and only look, from a distance.
Mood stabilizers, might as well call them mood neutralizers. Everything falls toward monotony when I take them. Simple things are now useless in the uncaring place I find myself in. But all that doesn't matter.
I see them looking at me sometimes, their eyes full of hope thinking that maybe I won't need all the medications I'm taking. Looking like they would a car that refuses to start, all the while saying that maybe this time it'll turn over. Not yet.
All they see now is my back as I scoop a handful of dull into my hand and then into my mouth. The real feelings fade away quickly, for which I am so glad. A child can really see so much more that adults when it comes to this. They take a parallel drug to mine I suspect. One which imprints into their minds that it's okay to unplug from the world.
I feel the meds take hold and one final torturous thought grips me - I'm going to cry sometime about all this lost time and I may not be able to stop.
Silence now. Tears can wait or out wait everything.
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