Sandy

It's been so long since I've seen or talked to you and reality is wearing a little thin around the edges because of it. The constant wondering about all that has happened has torn holes in the world around me into which memories slowly fall. An emotional black hole.

So sad to depend on something like this. In other times I promised myself that I would never allow such a thing to happen and never wind up dependent on some other person. That far away version of me would laugh at how I am now. The difference in bloodless and bleeding is sketched there.

It was certainly unplanned from the start and only realized after it was over. Forgotten dreams and unspoken plans are all that remain of it. Treasured pleasures stand out in profile, a burnt offering to what was.

I know now that not all the things I see here have actually happened. It's sometimes impossible to see our own part in the things which tear our lives apart. Perhaps one's own part can merely be sensed in the negative of life's pictures. Hidden deeply, as all truths really are, so that finding them, is in itself, a reward of sorts. A mild pleasure in the midst of white hot pain.

We all fear falling and tipping over emotionally is much the same. Losing control, not knowing in that instant of event what exactly is going on, just that it isn't going to be good. Feeling itself is broken and so much more easily than bones ever could be and never,ever heal properly.

I feel hobbled. Stunted. Alone.

TV

The TV has been off for nearly an hour now, but the glow remains. I can still see the last image there, someone moving from one side of the screen to the other.

I wonder now if they are still moving or are trapped in the act of trying to move. My own holding area for all the forgotten images.

That's what life is, I think. We turn away from some things that we can't face all the way. They get held, just out of sight, waiting and hoping that we will turn around and let them continue moving once again. Those various thoughts and images remain even if the pattern of life moves on without us.

The TV though.. I think what I am really seeing is a reflection there. It turned off because there was nothing to see, from either side. I still won't move though. There has to be some over arching reason to see this now, to be here now.

Perhaps I'm the one that's trapped, held in place by something unseen and only partially felt.