Sandy had to stop for second. She was standing in the living room looking out the window to a normally picturesque sight. She wasn't seeing that though. In those rare moments where everything was done, she wasn't the mother, wife or other half dozen or so labels she identified herself with. She was someone else.

She wondered, as she often did. was this enough? There were thousands of different things going on just outside her house, just out of view. Her imagination took over for second, as it always did, and she could imagine all sorts of things there. Robberies, thefts, national security issues. All of them coming back to her in some way.

But, here she was in a quiet life that no one would really understand.

She liked it though. The neatness of it all was important to her. She had a daughter and they couldn't be put off like some other things. Kids had to be taken care of now. No waiting with them. She loved her husband. She has friends.

Her own mother still bought her underwear. Sandy didn't understand the big deal with it all. Her mom knew she liked the silky, low cut underwear. Who would make a big deal of her mom buying it? Weirdos that's all. Small peeps who never had anyone do anything for them. So what, she bought underwear - what does that matter? Now, if she insisted on making her try them on and model them for her - that would be a problem.

Sandy was perfectly attuned to what was going on around her....

Sandy

I still wonder about Sandy.

She was an interesting friend. Married. Into strange things (at least to me) like neopets.

Friendly though and kind. Able to talk about anything except what was truly important.

She really gets into the whole online idea. Sandy rightly sees it as a fantasy area - mostly. So much happens sometimes and all the noise we see thrown about us from this weird firehose that is the internet can be overwhelming. That grating intensity distracts us from what we are and what we are doing.

We got too close and caught up in too many other small tragedies.

I've gotten good at seeing the pitfalls that lay ahead and prune relationships accordingly. In cutting away some things, you end up hurting yourself as well. You can only hope that this small pain is payment enough for a larger hurt that might have waited just around the bend.

I still miss her though. I wish there was a way to balance the straight forward attractiveness she maintains with everything else.

I opened the door and the last person in the world I expected to see was standing there.

"We need to talk." Annie said.

She looked exhausted as if the trip had been excessively long. I had no doubt the reason for it had made it any easier for her. I could see her husband in the car, not specifically looking at me but I could feel him doing his best to measure me, and try to understand the 'why' of it all.

Some things, I knew, were beyond understanding. You could only hope to get past them.

One of those questions was why after 30 years of marriage would she go looking for something else. While every relationship had it's ups and downs, why did he receive a book from a stranger one day that was about regaining trust with an unfaithful spouse?

I looked at her for a moment and reflected again as I did when we had our short, but wonderful fling together. She didn't look her age, that was one thing that wouldn't change. There was almost a mist around her that allowed you to see her as she was in her prime. In those days where getting older wasn't something to think about. Life had a way of regaining your attention and as a basic religion, made you pay homage to it. Her emergency gall bladder surgery was one of those ways. She had told me about the moment of clarity just before she went under, and how she was sure that she wouldn't wake up again and how all the meaningless affairs she had had were strung around her. But no god or avatar was there to tell her anything.

"Just keep between us, he starts anything and you will be the one to pay the price."

"I came all this way to ask one question, why? Didn't we have something together? When we were together at that motel I never would have believed this would happen."

"Annie, I don't owe you anything. I know I was just a stone you stepped on as you made your way. You just have to admit that you aren't a good judge of people, or perhaps you are and you wanted all this to land on your head.

"Not what you expected though, I know. You certainly expected me to fade away as all your previous lovers had done and not let your husband in on the secret life you have.

"Why is simple, I needed a friend while I dealt with some very bad things and instead I got you - needing and grasping and capitalizing on my vulnerability.

"You got off easy. So get back in your car and tell your husband to drive you back now."

"That's it?" Annie asked in a dead voice. I suspected she thought that her charm would again save her and that I would take responsibility for everything she wished to shed.

"You really need to evaluate all those affairs now. If I were you, I'd move and try to recreate the life you had. It should work for the time Steve has left."

She pulls her head up at the last remark as if she had been slapped and walks back to the car.

Steve stares at me, seeing the look on his wife's face.

I stare back, forcing him to break the silent contest between us.

Winning something that day no matter if it was as meaningless as everything else.

What I don't tell Lisa is the amazing conflict of emotions that this discussion creates.

How can I tell her the pressure to pretend that everything is okay and we are getting along well when in fact I have to force my self to smile because I know for a fact that if I were to let my real feelings to the surface for a second they would overwhelm me. I would drown there in that very real pain. Hurt? How can I hurt anymore?

Everything in sight would be a candidate for loss. Each piece of the puzzle a weird reflection on our life together.

I know in the end - trashing it all.

Lisa asked me how I was and I recognized the implied question there.

"I'm getting by on my own just fine. Before you ask - it wasn't anything to do with you.

"I knew it was getting to the 'over' point when one night I passed by the bedroom and heard her crying. I then, in normal male mode, instantly started to tick over items in my head as to what I could have possibly done - and came up empty.

"I sat down beside her and put my arms around her, silently trying to prepare myself for a sharp elbow or knee to the groin (in case it was indeed something I had done).

"After some amount of time she told me that her mother had died a few hours earlier and she had gotten a call almost as soon as it happened. She didn't even think about telling me, asking for some comfort was and still is out of the question.

"What kind of low life person am I when the person I'm living with won't share something like that? It stung then as it still does."

Lisa was silent at this, I could feel her confusion as to a choice of response.

I decided to save her the trouble and continued, "But what can you do? Sitting there I knew what it meant. I didn't know how long we had left but I was certain it was over.

"Probably more then you wanted to hear."

"Not really, but I enjoyed the part about you suffering though."

"Glad to be of service. How about you? How are you?"